a mother's musings vol.2

weekly (ish) roundup

Greetings!

This week has been a busy one, some minor building work started on our house, we had family staying for the bank holiday weekend, and I’ve started prepping for my first wedding of the season (I run a small wedding planning business), which happens next month. It’s been a week where I’ve felt pulled in lots of different directions, emotional ups and downs, and a general feeling of only just keeping on top of everything.

I wanted to get a piece out talking about my evolving feelings around work, institutionalised childcare, and motherhood…but my thoughts are very much still evolving, so the piece is currently just a jumbled mess in my drafts folder. In the meantime, I did publish a few thoughts on the oft repeated refrain “it takes a village to raise a child”. You can read that post here:

"it takes a village to raise a child"

some housekeeping

I’m planning to turn on paid subscriptions. I want to keep as much as possible free, but plan on adding voice overs that will be behind the paywall, and possibly some bonus posts. I truly appreciate every single one of you who has chosen to subscribe, and have no expectation around paid subs, but creating and writing does take a significant amount of time, so I will be turning on the paid option once I’ve worked out how to add audio to my posts! I will be offering a discount on annual subscriptions, so keep your eyes peeled for that!

books we’re reading: 📚

One for me, one for my toddler…

Fair Play: Share the mental load, rebalance your relationship, and transform your life by Eve Rodsky.

I’ve had this book on my ‘to read’ pile for years, and heard great things about it from friends. It’s sold millions of copies, was picked by Reese Witherspoon for her book club, and has spawned a documentary, so you’ve probably heard of it too.

I enjoyed the first part of the book, where Rodsky talks in detail about the amount of work it takes to run a household. She does a great job of making visible the often invisible work that takes place at home. It made me feel both seen and validated, reassured that despite my frequent inability to explain articularly what I’ve done all day, I am in fact doing a lot. I really liked Rodsky’s insistence that ‘all time is created equal’, and that time spent doing the laundry, making meals, or caring for children is as important as time spent earning money. I think she also does a good job at tackling some of the “toxic time messages” that couples tell each other, and encouraging couples to view themselves as a team who are in this together. I liked that she talks about establishing a “minimum standard of care” for each household task, so that you are both on the same page about what the expectations are for any given task. The second half is a detailed walk through the “fair play system”, which involves splitting all the tasks of a household into 100 “cards”, which couples then divide between them. I appreciated that Rodsky emphasised that the goal is equity not equality, but I struggled to imagine applying her system in its entirety to my own situation. I also felt convicted by the description of women who have a “my way or move out’ mentally, “you often complain how you’re doing it all, and yet you’re reluctant to give up control because you believe that the best course of action is yours”. Guilty as charged. I know that I need to work on letting go of some control and giving my husband space to do things, without hovering over him waiting for him to “make a mistake”.

That said, I was ultimately underwhelmed by the book. It does have some good ideas, and I think will be especially helpful for women who are working full time and still doing the bulk of the labour of the home, but I felt like Rodsky essentially accepted the broken system we live in, and offers sticking plaster solutions that might help mitigate some of the negative effects, but don’t address the structural issues. She pays lip service to the idea that care work is as valuable as paid work, but so much of the book feels like it’s devoted to helping you get the care work over with so you can get back to doing Exciting and Important things out in the world. For example, on page 34, Rodsky says, “Consider the cost to our society, robbed of valuable productivity and top female leadership and talent as 43 percent of highly qualified women with children take a career detour” (emphasis Rodsky’s). What about the cost to families who feel forced to have two full time breadwinners, despite both parents wanting to spend more time with their children? Don’t get me wrong, I often miss the freedom that I had before I became a mum, and I cherish the small windows of time when I’m able to engage in intellectual pursuits, or hobbies that I love. I think Rodsky is right in saying that it’s important for mothers and fathers to guard this “unicorn space”, and to prioritise making space for the things that light you up outside of being a spouse/parent. I know how damaging the ‘martyr mother’ archetype can be, and don’t want to perpetuate the idea that mothers only exist to be of service to their families. At the same time, I’m also personally trying to cultivate an attitude of loving service, where I see the work I do for my family as an act of devotion and love, not as an obligation imposed on me.

Overall: 6/10 - more of a worthwhile read if you’re both working full time outside the home.

The Big Alfie Out of Doors Storybook by Shirley Hughes

I love, love, love the Alfie books. My mum used to read these to me when I was a kid, and we recently started reading them to our two year old. Shirley Hughes’ charming illustrations perfectly capture the magic and messiness of family life. The stories centre on a little boy called Alfie, and his younger sister Annie Rose, and chronicle the little adventures and milestones of early childhood in a way that celebrates family life without romanticising it. If you’ve never read the Alfie books then you are in for a treat. There are several collections of stories, but this is my favourite.

Overall: 10/10

substack saves: 📖

A Way Out of Feminist Resentment by

Heather Tomlinson

“We can value a feminine perspective on human history, that women made a good and equally important contribution to society through the domestic domain, even if the wives and mothers of good men are not always acknowledged for their achievements. But public recognition is not everything, and neither is power, nor a career.”

Five things parishes can do today to build a family culture by

Sara Dietz

“When we accommodate children in our spaces, we allow the children to feel welcomed and wanted; we give parents mental space to engage more fully in the giving and receiving of parish life; and we invite the wider community to recognize children as unique icons of the Kingdom of God in our midst.”

Building People With Three-Dimensional Memory by

Ruth Gaskovski

and

Peco

“If we are to flex our memory muscles then we must strive for deep encoding, engaging multi-faceted modalities in the process. We are three-dimensional beings with five senses that the digital medium does not even come close to approximating. Our motivated memory links to things we care about: love is one of the most potent conduits of memory. Thus, the more we pour our heart and undivided attention into the moments we want to treasure, the deeper the memories will grow into our marrow.”

postpartum secrets from the premodern world by

Helen Roy

“If one thing unites every postpartum tradition across the world, it is female-to-female care. In case anyone needs reminding: having a baby is a uniquely female experience. Husbands should be intensely interested and supportive of their wives’ needs, but there are things they cannot know and solutions they cannot intuit because of the limitations of their experience. In so many ways, postpartum begins a new season of formation, and you will need a teacher. I cannot emphasize enough the critical importance of finding and fostering female friendship.”

podcast 🎧

The Virtue of Motherhood w/ Helen Roy on the

Maiden Mother Matriarch

podcast

Women in the 4th Industrial Revolution w/ Mary Harrington - Probably Cancelled podcast

Erika Bachiochi on Sex-Realist Feminism - First Things podcast

Christian Deconstruction: What I Wish I’d Known w/ Abigail Favale - Truth Over Tribe podcast

recipe 🌸

It’s elderflower season in the UK, so this week’s recipe is for Elderflower Presse, the summeriest drink of the year. My mum has been making elderflower cordial for as long as I can remember, but I prefer making presse as it doesn’t need diluting and uses far less sugar than cordial.

Ingredients:

• 20-25 heads of elderflower¹

• 1 litre cold water

• 1 lemon, zest and juice

• Caster sugar, to taste

Method:

1. Gather your elderflowers

2. Shake the flower heads to remove any insects.

3. Pluck the flowers from the stalks and stems (by hand results in a richer flavour and less stalk, though scissors do the job just fine).

4. Scoop the flowers into a sieve to help sift out any further insects. Tumble into a large bowl.

4. With a veg peeler or zester, peel your lemon to get strips and add to bowl. Halve the lemon and squeeze in all the juice. Pour in the cold water.

5. Place a little sheet of greaseproof paper over to lock in all the flavour, to keep it from browning and to keep anything from diving in. Steep for 8 hours or overnight.

6. Strain through a muslin cloth or tea towel-lined sieve into a large saucepan. Squeeze the flowers to ensure you get as much flavour out of them as possible.

   

7. Gently warm. Add a few spoons or shakes of sugar, to sweeten it to your liking. Serve on ice straight away or bottle, cork/seal and store in the fridge for up to a week. Freeze any excess.

That’s it from me for now, have a great week and thanks for reading! As always, if you enjoyed this piece then please share and subscribe. You can also support my work by donating on Buy Me A Coffee :)

1. Foraging tips: try not to take more than 1/3 from a tree (the wildlife loves elderflower too). Also, picking all the flowers means there’ll be no berries in the autumn. The best time to pick is when it’s sunny and warm.