At the same time I do sense the need to “be my own person” and that’s actually the reason I am here on Substack, writing. But that person isn’t who I was before motherhood, she's totally different as a mother (and I would say also as a wife/homemaker, they’re all quite linked). I’ve always loved writing, but never published anything I really cared about before. Now, I feel much more confident and solid in myself and my thoughts and opinions, wile also being welcoming of others. The maiden has died so the mother could be born, but in a way I was happy for her to die; she was so sad and insecure. Who I am now is much stronger, more vibrant, powerful and effective.
Hi Catie, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, that all makes so much sense! I also feel much stronger and wiser as a mother than I did as a maiden, I miss aspects of my life before children but it never gave me the sense of meaning and fulfilment that I've found as a mother. I also completely agree that having some space to be your own person is so vital for most of us at least - I should probably have clarified that in my post. I'm reading Fair Play Life by Eve Rodsky atm and she calls it "unicorn space" - I'm hoping Substack will be that for me as practising yoga daily isn't practical right now with a 2 year old and a 4 month old!
I'll be transitioning to two kids in the fall (God willing) and have heard crazy things about the adjustment! It's wonderful you are able to carve out this time to replenish your soul! <3
Congratulations! Having two is all kinds of crazy and all kinds of wonderful. I love watching my two year old dote on her little sister, it is so precious. I found going from one to two much easier than going from none to one, it’s chaotic and messy and loud but I feel more confident as a mother.
Well - you're just at the beginning! Thanks for your thoughts, very interesting to read. I'm nearly 39 years in to motherhood and now a grandmother as well, a whole added dimension, almost never discussed. It's all a continuing process of discovery, challenge and growth - and yes, pain as well as joy.
Thank you for sharing, and for sharing your thoughts. I would love to hear more from the perspective of the grandmother, the 'Crone/Matriarch' archetype is given even less attention and value than motherhood in our current culture. I am encouraged that your experience has been one of discovery, challenge and growth, this is what I am hoping for myself.
I talk to my mum a lot, she was and is my biggest inspiration in motherhood. Sadly the grandmother I was closest to has passed away and my other grandmother I don’t have a very close relationship with.
You could ask your mother what it's like having grown-up children? What it's like for her to become a grandmother? I never asked my mother those sort of questions! Never thought of it. Now I understand a little how profound it is but sadly it's too late to ask her.
It was a long time ago for me but I was totally immersed in motherhood whilst my children were young and I loved it. I then went on to train as a midwife and watched an other women in their journey to motherhood. One of the challenges was the need for most to work economically rather than by choice. It seemed that once the bond to the baby was loosened then the resentment set in - essentially women tried so hard to be what society wanted rather than they themselves wished. I’m always a fan of immersion - it’s how we grow - as writers we all feel this I think.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love that you became a midwife! I completely agree with you about the economic pressure to return to the workforce that many women feel. It is difficult or impossible for most families to survive on a single income, so women often have little choice but to return to work, regardless of whether they want to or not.
Although I wonder if “shedding“ “old self” is really more not expressing yourself in the same ways as you used to. And adding to yourself new dimensions.
This is exactly what I attempted to write about in my post Intuition and the Modern Mom. It’s SO REAL this push to keep us living pre-child lives post-children and it’s extremely detrimental to both mom and kids! Giving myself that permission to fully fall into motherhood has been glorious, and since I’ve been able to find more of my true path in life and career
Yes! I too have found that letting myself become lost in motherland has been truly liberating! There is so much pressure, both obvious and subtle, for women to try and hold onto their old self/life but I totally agree that this can have really damaging implications for mum and baby.
I absolutely love this! I’ve been wrestling with a lot of these thoughts since having my first baby in January. Similar to you, I had done a lot of prep for birth and thought I knew a lot about babies etc. But you’re so right, becoming a mother is a completely different thing. I hadn’t really prepared for my whole identity to shift this much! Or for just how all-consuming it is (in such a good but exhausting way). Thank you for expressing these thoughts so eloquently!
I resonate so much with this! As an elder millennial I clung to my boss babe era for much longer than I should, causing so much stress in my motherhood. I'm now almost 3 years in with two little boys and finally leaning all the way in and letting go of the old me. The new me is way more bad ass anyway!
I am grateful to my sister for sending me this post! I am currently practicing the Cuarentena, a Mexican tradition of 40 days of intentional rest and healing post partum. I began my substack as a way of reflecting and processing my experience. The same sister that sent me this post was commenting yesterday that she wonders what word could be used in English to denote the Cuarentena or something similar. Though I don't think Matrescence is the exact same thing since it really applies to the whole process of becoming a mother, which post partum healing is only a part, it is still exciting to dive deeper into learning more words to add to my maternity-related vocabulary. Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections. I am so glad to see other mothers talking about these topics!
I’m so glad you’re taking time to rest and heal - congratulations on the birth of your little one. What a lovely custom! I think the European equivalent of the Cuarentena would be the “lying in” period, it was traditionally a 40 day period of rest, at the end of which the new mother would be “churched” and welcomed back into the church and community. A tradition that has sadly been all but lost in the UK, we now seem to encourage new mothers to do the opposite and be up and active as quickly as possible after birth.
I’m so glad to have you as part of this little community, welcome ♥️
I feel this so much. I am a mom to 8 and 5 year old daughters. It definitely took minimum 4 years, probably closer to 7 to traverse matrescence. The lines are blurred a bit because I am an ER doctor and COVID was a powerful initiation in its own right.
I don't know that I was a kid expert before having kids, but I was prepared for sleep disruptions, etc. But like you, I had NO idea that I would change so profoundly. I found myself wondering, why did no one tell me about this? And I have asked quite a few men about if they felt like a totally different person or their world was turned upside down by parenthood. To a person, they don't know what I'm talking about or say they have to think about it, then never come back. Ultimately, if someone asks, I try to tell them there is no old you to go back to, you just have to wait for the new one to get here. Many of my cousins are having kids now, so I try to write them a letter about some of these things I wish I had known. Hopefully it means something when you're in the thick of it, that first 6 months was very isolating, lonely, and difficult for me. Anyway, now my girls often come down for breakfast and I don't see them again until lunch so I am really getting to explore my own values and desires in this new and exciting way.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, I am two and a half years in to motherhood and definitely feel like I am still undergoing the transformation of matrescence. I also found the first few months of motherhood very lonely and difficult, one of the reasons I decided to start writing in Substack to help other women to know they aren’t alone in those early days.
I was just starting to get my legs underneath me again at 2.5 years. I hope your experience is similar. I appreciate everyone who talks about this because I think a lot of times people think this switch goes of at birth and you have the mom thing figured out. It took months before I even felt like a mom rather than a person with a kid.
I feel this so much. I am a mom to 8 and 5 year old daughters. It definitely took minimum 4 years, probably closer to 7 to traverse matrescence. The lines are blurred a bit because I am an ER doctor and COVID was a powerful initiation in its own right.
I don't know that I was a kid expert before having kids, but I was prepared for sleep disruptions, etc. But like you, I had NO idea that I would change so profoundly. I found myself wondering, why did no one tell me about this? And I have asked quite a few men about if they felt like a totally different person or their world was turned upside down by parenthood. To a person, they don't know what I'm talking about or say they have to think about it, then never come back. Ultimately, if someone asks, I try to tell them there is no old you to go back to, you just have to wait for the new one to get here. Many of my cousins are having kids now, so I try to write them a letter about some of these things I wish I had known. Hopefully it means something when you're in the thick of it, that first 6 months was very isolating, lonely, and difficult for me. Anyway, now my girls often come down for breakfast and I don't see them again until lunch so I am really getting to explore my own values and desires in this new and exciting way.
I gave birth to my first a few months ago and have found a sense of peace and inspiration in the pieces you refer to by Emily and Beatrice and now yours. Society will benefit if we can continue this conversation and temper the dominant narrative which encourages mothers to rush back to our pre-baby selves as if that’s noble or even possible.
Congratulations on becoming a mama, I’m so glad this piece spoke to you. I too have hopes that we can have a society wide conversation about topics like this, I’m hoping to make my Substack a small part of that conversation.
“The maiden has died so the mother could be born, but in a way I was happy for her to die; she was so sad and insecure. Who I am now is much stronger, more vibrant, powerful and effective.”
This is beautiful, so perfectly stated, I feel the same.
Beautiful! I too have thought a lot about that idea of "losing ourselves" in motherhood. There's much to explore there I think but it's so true that we can absolutely let other things overtake our lives and identities (like career, and yes, sports!), but motherhood is the only thing people point out where they specifically don't want to have that happen. It's so weird. I think the maiden/mother/crone archetypes are so helpful. Have you heard of or read the book Women Who Run With The Wolves? It's sort of a classic and it explores female archetypes. I haven't read it all but have wanted to.
Thank you Amber 🙏🏼 I definitely think there is a LOT more that could be said on this topic. I have been trying to finish Women Who Run With The Wolves for about 6 years 😅 I’ve got halfway through a couple of times but never made it to the end! Really enjoyed the bits I read though.
Yes 🙌 I think the idea of “don’t lose yourself” is also based on the faulty assumption that who we are is somehow constant, whereas actually we are (hopefully) always changing and growing. Personally, I’ve found motherhood a far greater catalyst for positive change than anything else in my life!
Yes! Looking back, I'm thankful that I hadn't ever really figured out what I wanted to do or who I really wanted to be - I spent my 20s drifting rather aimlessly around the world and was working a HR job I hated when I got pregnant. I always knew that the backpacker life wasn't a long term plan and the HR job was a temporary fix whilst I figured out a better plan. So in some ways I was quite happy for my life to be turned upside by, although it took me a while to get on board with the extent of the change that was required.
This definitely rings true to me.
At the same time I do sense the need to “be my own person” and that’s actually the reason I am here on Substack, writing. But that person isn’t who I was before motherhood, she's totally different as a mother (and I would say also as a wife/homemaker, they’re all quite linked). I’ve always loved writing, but never published anything I really cared about before. Now, I feel much more confident and solid in myself and my thoughts and opinions, wile also being welcoming of others. The maiden has died so the mother could be born, but in a way I was happy for her to die; she was so sad and insecure. Who I am now is much stronger, more vibrant, powerful and effective.
Hi Catie, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, that all makes so much sense! I also feel much stronger and wiser as a mother than I did as a maiden, I miss aspects of my life before children but it never gave me the sense of meaning and fulfilment that I've found as a mother. I also completely agree that having some space to be your own person is so vital for most of us at least - I should probably have clarified that in my post. I'm reading Fair Play Life by Eve Rodsky atm and she calls it "unicorn space" - I'm hoping Substack will be that for me as practising yoga daily isn't practical right now with a 2 year old and a 4 month old!
Ooh, thank you for the book recommendation!!
I'll be transitioning to two kids in the fall (God willing) and have heard crazy things about the adjustment! It's wonderful you are able to carve out this time to replenish your soul! <3
Congratulations! Having two is all kinds of crazy and all kinds of wonderful. I love watching my two year old dote on her little sister, it is so precious. I found going from one to two much easier than going from none to one, it’s chaotic and messy and loud but I feel more confident as a mother.
That's really encouraging!! I'm excited!
Well - you're just at the beginning! Thanks for your thoughts, very interesting to read. I'm nearly 39 years in to motherhood and now a grandmother as well, a whole added dimension, almost never discussed. It's all a continuing process of discovery, challenge and growth - and yes, pain as well as joy.
Thank you for sharing, and for sharing your thoughts. I would love to hear more from the perspective of the grandmother, the 'Crone/Matriarch' archetype is given even less attention and value than motherhood in our current culture. I am encouraged that your experience has been one of discovery, challenge and growth, this is what I am hoping for myself.
Have you talked to your own mother and grandmothers?
I talk to my mum a lot, she was and is my biggest inspiration in motherhood. Sadly the grandmother I was closest to has passed away and my other grandmother I don’t have a very close relationship with.
You could ask your mother what it's like having grown-up children? What it's like for her to become a grandmother? I never asked my mother those sort of questions! Never thought of it. Now I understand a little how profound it is but sadly it's too late to ask her.
I will, thank you!
It was a long time ago for me but I was totally immersed in motherhood whilst my children were young and I loved it. I then went on to train as a midwife and watched an other women in their journey to motherhood. One of the challenges was the need for most to work economically rather than by choice. It seemed that once the bond to the baby was loosened then the resentment set in - essentially women tried so hard to be what society wanted rather than they themselves wished. I’m always a fan of immersion - it’s how we grow - as writers we all feel this I think.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love that you became a midwife! I completely agree with you about the economic pressure to return to the workforce that many women feel. It is difficult or impossible for most families to survive on a single income, so women often have little choice but to return to work, regardless of whether they want to or not.
This is a beautiful viewpoint.
Although I wonder if “shedding“ “old self” is really more not expressing yourself in the same ways as you used to. And adding to yourself new dimensions.
Thank you for reading. I think that is definitely another way of expressing the same sentiment!
This is exactly what I attempted to write about in my post Intuition and the Modern Mom. It’s SO REAL this push to keep us living pre-child lives post-children and it’s extremely detrimental to both mom and kids! Giving myself that permission to fully fall into motherhood has been glorious, and since I’ve been able to find more of my true path in life and career
Yes! I too have found that letting myself become lost in motherland has been truly liberating! There is so much pressure, both obvious and subtle, for women to try and hold onto their old self/life but I totally agree that this can have really damaging implications for mum and baby.
I absolutely love this! I’ve been wrestling with a lot of these thoughts since having my first baby in January. Similar to you, I had done a lot of prep for birth and thought I knew a lot about babies etc. But you’re so right, becoming a mother is a completely different thing. I hadn’t really prepared for my whole identity to shift this much! Or for just how all-consuming it is (in such a good but exhausting way). Thank you for expressing these thoughts so eloquently!
Thank you, I’m so glad it resonated with you. Congratulations on becoming a mama, it truly is a life changing experience in every way.
I wish I had this information when I was a young mother. So beautiful.
Thank you Angie 🫶
I resonate so much with this! As an elder millennial I clung to my boss babe era for much longer than I should, causing so much stress in my motherhood. I'm now almost 3 years in with two little boys and finally leaning all the way in and letting go of the old me. The new me is way more bad ass anyway!
Becca I’m so sorry I never responded to your comment! I much prefer the “new me” that motherhood has wrought as well!
I am grateful to my sister for sending me this post! I am currently practicing the Cuarentena, a Mexican tradition of 40 days of intentional rest and healing post partum. I began my substack as a way of reflecting and processing my experience. The same sister that sent me this post was commenting yesterday that she wonders what word could be used in English to denote the Cuarentena or something similar. Though I don't think Matrescence is the exact same thing since it really applies to the whole process of becoming a mother, which post partum healing is only a part, it is still exciting to dive deeper into learning more words to add to my maternity-related vocabulary. Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections. I am so glad to see other mothers talking about these topics!
I’m so glad you’re taking time to rest and heal - congratulations on the birth of your little one. What a lovely custom! I think the European equivalent of the Cuarentena would be the “lying in” period, it was traditionally a 40 day period of rest, at the end of which the new mother would be “churched” and welcomed back into the church and community. A tradition that has sadly been all but lost in the UK, we now seem to encourage new mothers to do the opposite and be up and active as quickly as possible after birth.
I’m so glad to have you as part of this little community, welcome ♥️
I feel this so much. I am a mom to 8 and 5 year old daughters. It definitely took minimum 4 years, probably closer to 7 to traverse matrescence. The lines are blurred a bit because I am an ER doctor and COVID was a powerful initiation in its own right.
I don't know that I was a kid expert before having kids, but I was prepared for sleep disruptions, etc. But like you, I had NO idea that I would change so profoundly. I found myself wondering, why did no one tell me about this? And I have asked quite a few men about if they felt like a totally different person or their world was turned upside down by parenthood. To a person, they don't know what I'm talking about or say they have to think about it, then never come back. Ultimately, if someone asks, I try to tell them there is no old you to go back to, you just have to wait for the new one to get here. Many of my cousins are having kids now, so I try to write them a letter about some of these things I wish I had known. Hopefully it means something when you're in the thick of it, that first 6 months was very isolating, lonely, and difficult for me. Anyway, now my girls often come down for breakfast and I don't see them again until lunch so I am really getting to explore my own values and desires in this new and exciting way.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, I am two and a half years in to motherhood and definitely feel like I am still undergoing the transformation of matrescence. I also found the first few months of motherhood very lonely and difficult, one of the reasons I decided to start writing in Substack to help other women to know they aren’t alone in those early days.
I was just starting to get my legs underneath me again at 2.5 years. I hope your experience is similar. I appreciate everyone who talks about this because I think a lot of times people think this switch goes of at birth and you have the mom thing figured out. It took months before I even felt like a mom rather than a person with a kid.
I definitely feel like I am still figuring things out, but when I look back even a year ago I know I have already grown so much, which encourages me!
I feel this so much. I am a mom to 8 and 5 year old daughters. It definitely took minimum 4 years, probably closer to 7 to traverse matrescence. The lines are blurred a bit because I am an ER doctor and COVID was a powerful initiation in its own right.
I don't know that I was a kid expert before having kids, but I was prepared for sleep disruptions, etc. But like you, I had NO idea that I would change so profoundly. I found myself wondering, why did no one tell me about this? And I have asked quite a few men about if they felt like a totally different person or their world was turned upside down by parenthood. To a person, they don't know what I'm talking about or say they have to think about it, then never come back. Ultimately, if someone asks, I try to tell them there is no old you to go back to, you just have to wait for the new one to get here. Many of my cousins are having kids now, so I try to write them a letter about some of these things I wish I had known. Hopefully it means something when you're in the thick of it, that first 6 months was very isolating, lonely, and difficult for me. Anyway, now my girls often come down for breakfast and I don't see them again until lunch so I am really getting to explore my own values and desires in this new and exciting way.
I gave birth to my first a few months ago and have found a sense of peace and inspiration in the pieces you refer to by Emily and Beatrice and now yours. Society will benefit if we can continue this conversation and temper the dominant narrative which encourages mothers to rush back to our pre-baby selves as if that’s noble or even possible.
Congratulations on becoming a mama, I’m so glad this piece spoke to you. I too have hopes that we can have a society wide conversation about topics like this, I’m hoping to make my Substack a small part of that conversation.
“The maiden has died so the mother could be born, but in a way I was happy for her to die; she was so sad and insecure. Who I am now is much stronger, more vibrant, powerful and effective.”
This is beautiful, so perfectly stated, I feel the same.
Beautiful! I too have thought a lot about that idea of "losing ourselves" in motherhood. There's much to explore there I think but it's so true that we can absolutely let other things overtake our lives and identities (like career, and yes, sports!), but motherhood is the only thing people point out where they specifically don't want to have that happen. It's so weird. I think the maiden/mother/crone archetypes are so helpful. Have you heard of or read the book Women Who Run With The Wolves? It's sort of a classic and it explores female archetypes. I haven't read it all but have wanted to.
Thank you Amber 🙏🏼 I definitely think there is a LOT more that could be said on this topic. I have been trying to finish Women Who Run With The Wolves for about 6 years 😅 I’ve got halfway through a couple of times but never made it to the end! Really enjoyed the bits I read though.
Yes 🙌 I think the idea of “don’t lose yourself” is also based on the faulty assumption that who we are is somehow constant, whereas actually we are (hopefully) always changing and growing. Personally, I’ve found motherhood a far greater catalyst for positive change than anything else in my life!
Yes! Looking back, I'm thankful that I hadn't ever really figured out what I wanted to do or who I really wanted to be - I spent my 20s drifting rather aimlessly around the world and was working a HR job I hated when I got pregnant. I always knew that the backpacker life wasn't a long term plan and the HR job was a temporary fix whilst I figured out a better plan. So in some ways I was quite happy for my life to be turned upside by, although it took me a while to get on board with the extent of the change that was required.